Reflections: Week 2 and Week 3

I mentioned in a post that Week 2 was incredibly busy--and it was. I ate a lot of Caveman Truck, did a lot of work, didn't get in as much exercise as I would have preferred. The cravings I experienced were mostly for dark chocolate and red wine, with the occasional desire for pizza. Things were really weighing on my mind, mostly work which has demonstrated yet again how chaotic and demanding the practice of criminal law is, but also this irrational fear of being one year older without being where I want to be in life, as if there is this predetermined timeline that defines success that I've once again failed to achieve.

If you know me, you know I am my absolute harshest critic. Nothing I do is ever good enough for me. Objectively I know that in this past year I've done a lot to improve myself physically: I've joined the community center and consistently attended classes since January 5, 2012; I joined the YMCA in July 2012 and get in 1-2 weight sessions a week with the occasional yoga class and climb up the stair master; I changed the way I view food both by education and application of solid nutritional principles; I am in the middle of my second Whole 30 of the year; I've gained muscle and lost fat, collectively losing 35 lbs of the unhealthy stuff literally weighing me down; I use yoga classes and bedtime yoga to stretch and tone my body as well as to let go of stress. Even I can recognize that all of these things individually are good achievements and collectively have changed my outward appearance beyond anything I imagined possible, even in June of 2012 when I started to change my diet. But of course that's not enough.Not for me.

Because unfortunately outside of the courtroom I am a people-pleaser. I say what others want to hear, do what others want to do, pretend things are okay when they aren't okay, just so I am accepted. Typing those words out seems rather pathetic, but it is true. I can't tell you how many times last year I sacrificed my own desires and beliefs to benefit another, or even worse, to get something I thought would benefit me or that I "needed". It saddens me that I have such a low opinion of myself, and I am trying to fix it. Emotional health is just as important as physical health, and I realized that I wasn't doing enough to fix mine. I read all the motivational/inspirational quotes I could find, but reading wasn't really DOING anything so I started to go to church again in November 2012 and have gone pretty regularly (except for today ironically), the thought being it would calm and encourage me. After being let down by some so called "friends" I've steadily cut them out of my life--I don't need people who use me as a back up ________ for when/whatever they need at the last minute. I finally understand I deserve better than that, and, despite my biggest fear of all, I realize it is better to be alone than to be miserable with someone, both platonically and romantically.

So this is uplifting right? Why the heck is she laying this all on us? Well, just as an officer of the court has a duty to be candid with the tribunal, I feel obligated to you, dear reader, to be honest, to show you the good and bad sides of this process and to admit my shortcomings in the hopes that you realize the work is not just about what you can see in the mirror. In fact, ultimately, that really doesn't matter at all. I still feel the same way I did a year ago when I was 35 lbs heavier, when I was with someone who was cheating on me and I didn't even know it, when I thought I finally "had it all". Here's the thing: there's no such thing as "having it all". The most important thing is learning to love yourself, the real you that no one can see, to understand your mind, heart and soul. That is what will withstand time. That is the testimony of your true character. It doesn't matter what your neighbor, your co-worker, your best friend, your sister or brother has/does/thinks. Everyone is different and has their own demons. They only let you see what they want you to see, not the entire picture. In fact, it's probably their highlight clips that you see, not the full tape. Stop comparing yourself to everyone else and compare yourself to the only complete known you have: you. You from a year ago, 5 years ago, 10 years ago: Are you achieving YOUR goals? Are YOU happy? If not, take affirmative steps to make those goals a reality, to make yourself happy. No one else can or will make you happy. Happiness is a choice--make it yours! Remember...

Now raise your glasses of water or unsweet tea with lemon and toast to the fact that I was thinking about all this garbage on my birthday and didn't have a drop of alcohol, a piece of chocolate, a piece of pizza or any other cheat to deal with it. CHEERS! :)